The Most Valuable Lesson I Learned About Confidence

Crying uncontrollably on a friend’s lounge room floor was the recent call-to-action I needed. Heartbreak and rejection had eaten away at my confidence and while feeling like a former shell of myself, I barely recognised who I was.

Eventually, I did what most people do — I tried diagnosing the problem on the internet. Upon looking up ‘confidence’, a majority of what I came across was around:

‘How do you rebuild shattered confidence?’

As I continued to research, it struck me; why do we have to rebuild confidence in the first place? Shouldn’t we be asking how do we create and sustain bulletproof confidence in the first place?

In trying to reconnect with who I truly was, I uncovered three timeless, invaluable lessons about having true confidence:

To Build Core Confidence You Have to Let Go of Your Surface Identity

We’re taught a growth mindset, curiosity, and continuous learning are vital for our personal development and living a meaningful life. A downside to self-betterment is that many of us believe we’re not good enough. We conditionally tie our self-worth to achieving outcome X or after we look like Y.

It’s common to link our identity to a single qualifier that was adopted from childhood; “You’re the smart one”, or “You’re the funny one” we’re told. As adults, this identity manifests itself similarly — through the fitness of Iron Man, looks of a supermodel, or unrivalled success. Yet for many, an inherent hollow feeling inside exists — that despite everything we’re not satisfied or complete.

The problem with confidence that’s based on lifestyle and external factors is that our confidence essentially becomes a shell — like a Chocolate Easter bunny — great on the outside but empty on the inside (unless it’s filled with caramel that is).

Thus we need to draw our real confidence on something deeper:

Cultivating core confidence is more than the pop psychology of ‘loving yourself’. It involves a fundamental shift in thinking. Core confidence is derived from the unconditional acceptance of who you are, your purpose, and what you have to offer the world. Core confidence is impenetrable because it’s built on values and the fundamental understanding that you yourself, are your greatest asset.

You are enough now. Continuing to work on yourself is so that you can be your best. You can be enough while working towards your best.

There’s a big difference between core confidence and egotism or narcissism. Egotism and narcissism exist on a spectrum of self-perception that are drawn from the past, surface, and lifestyle factors. Narcissism stems from an overcompensation for feelings of inadequacy, and as such, feeds the cycle of the hollow chocolate Easter rabbit.

Whenever thoughts of my heartbreak would circulate, I reminded myself that it wasn’t really about me. It was another person’s perceptions, thoughts, and beliefs of themselves, me, and the relationship. In the past, I would channel these beliefs, and it would destroy confidence because how I was responding was to repeatedly chase ‘becoming enough’.

The benefit of cultivating core confidence is that naturally diminishes negative self-talk, judgement, or fear of failure. There’s something utterly freeing in knowing that despite any external circumstances, you are you, and that failures, uncertainty, or fear doesn’t shape who you are, nor holds you back.

How to create core confidence:

Nurturing core confidence feels uncomfortable at first, but just like physical exercise, core confidence is a muscle that can be trained:

• Allow yourself to feel sh*t emotions: compartmentalising or shutting out emotions has its place. If you’re blocking out and not processing negativity, it’ll manifest into even bigger problems later.
• Be response-able: detach yourself from outcomes and choose how you’ll respond to everything — will you be angry? Will you be hurt? Will you snap? Or will you remain controlled and calm?
• Accept what you can’t control: redirect action towards what you can influence — yourself.
• Be kinder on yourself for mistakes and failures: we are our harshest judges, so be kinder on yourself. Positive reinforcement is way more effective than negativity.
• Remember the bigger picture: will this event, person, or failure really matter in a year, or five years time? Focus on the end in mind of what you want to achieve.
• Challenge yourself: build micro-momentum with action — what tasks, people, or activities make you happy or bring that little ‘skip’ in your step? Doing these things will build not only skill but character.

Your Passport to Life is through Action

“Self-Awareness wins the war of the mind, but competent action wins the war overall.”

The need for absolute certainty often traps us in a spiral of ‘insightful decision making’. Consequently, we hold onto the status quo with dear life and never step beyond what’s comfortable in fear of failure, loss, or even worse — rejection.

Inaction allows our confidence to become hardwired to certainty because:

• If our looks change how will we appear?
• Should our finances dwindle, what physical assets do we have to show for our success?
• Who are we if our spouse leaves us?
• If we lose our intelligence, what do we have going for us?
• What happens if we take a risk and fail?
• When things change, what will people think or say?

By holding onto the need for certainty, you become stuck inside your head, and any progress hits a ceiling. You become paralysed to ever change because there’s a chance your confidence will be lost if you do. True confidence is not about controlling external circumstances, but by knowing yourself — this involves letting go of the part of us that tells us who we are, or that we’re scared of.

For most people, a lack of confidence is derived from focusing on the gap — what’s missing from our life instead of honing in and trying to improve our strengths, qualities, and what makes us unique.

As the late Zig Ziglar said, “You have to “Be” the right kind of person first, then you must “Do” the right things before you can expect to “Have” the things in life that really matter.” Giving up what holds you back, organically gives way for smarter risks, and allows life to flourish in an endless loop.

Action → Inspiration → Motivation → Inspiration → Action…

“If you don’t accept your past you’re going to be stuck in your past. The reason why things hold people back is that they let it hold them back. Fear is false evidence appearing real — because none of us can change the past, or predict the future.” — Shaun T

Real growth is derived from doing and doing leads to experience. As Mahatma Gandhi said,

Simply:

We become what we think we are as well as what we think what other people think we are.

Flirt with Life: “What Would My Best Self Do?”

“What are the facts telling you?” is a question my older sister asked during a recent heart-to-heart. What she said wasn’t easy to hear, but in the later weeks, I reframed her question into,

Emotions aside, what would my best self-do?

Taking emotion out of a situation and observing from an outsider’s perspective allows us to make the best choices, and it also allows us to be our best selves.

Acting from our personal best as often as possible prevents comparing our blooper reel to everyone else’s highlight reel. This doesn’t mean that we can’t get angry, upset, or hurt with things don’t work out. We always have a choice about how we want to act despite the pain, hurt, and loss.

Instead, we lighten up and start seeing life as a flirtatious adventure — an exciting journey that feels like “you’re always on holiday.” On holidays we’re fun, relaxed, take (smart) risks, and make use of every opportunity that presents itself. When flirting with life you set the bar high in both how you treat yourself, and how you want to be treated.

The Case of Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Expect everything and attach to nothing. — Carrie Campbell

If confidence is something we all desire, why do we sabotage ourselves?

Counterintuitively, there’s a tendency to destroy things fulfil us. You can’t be disappointed if you believed that something never going to work out in the first place — hence your thoughts, words, and behaviours become self-fulfilling. Through the core confidence of self-acceptance, action, and having a flirtatious outlook on life, you’ll remove the fuel for self-sabotaging behaviour.

According to Toltec spiritual leader and author, Don Miguel Ruiz, shedding the inner voice of doubt and self-sabotage allows our core confidence shine through by three simple questions:

• Who am I? Is this truly you or a projection based on your past, or what other people believe?
• What is real? If everything was stripped away, what’s left? What is logic telling you?
• What is love? Is this coming from a place of inclusiveness and love? Something is conditional if something is fulfiled with a requirement

Motivational powerhouse Tony Robbins adds that whenever we experience pain, it’s because we haven’t seen a higher purpose in it. When we find the purpose, we eliminate the pain. Transforming adversity into confidence can be done by:

• Appreciation and enjoyment: What is the silver lining in every event?
• Learn and grow: What is the lesson you have to learn (or still haven’t yet learnt?)
• Love and act: Your passport to life is through action

In the short space between hitting rock bottom and now, I have learned a lot about confidence. The most important thing that’s always grounded me is the belief that I am here to serve a purpose — and by doing things that are fun and grow me, I am able to help and serve others.

Originally published at www.reintention.com on July 31, 2018.